Years later after i had graduated from high school in 2010, i found myself living in my shadows, my life had become one big mess, one big lie. it was not the life i had envisioned for myself. i had a very promising future and i had all opportunities presented to me in a plate of gold.
But rather i chose to chase the world and its pleasures , and for a long time i forgot who i am and where i came from, my desires at that moment were unrealistic. I wanted to reap where i had not sow, i did not have any mentor neither did i have anyone to look up to since i came from a family where no one had made it in life.
My mother had a lot of dreams for me. Immediately after i completed my high school she wanted me to be a nurse, i was accepted in one of the nursing school but i rejected the offer, i was stupid and naive, i was only 16 years old and i remember telling my mom i can not put on a uniform again for another three years and i did not want that nursing school because it was too remote for me.
I wanted some exposure. I wanted to be in the city and study in the city. I wanted to be away from my mother who was too overprotective of me. So that landed me to some university where i was accepted to do a course in Business Management and Information Technology. Everything started on well until peer pressure kicked in. Where i wanted to be like other students party like them, dress like them and have boyfriends who catered for my needs like them.
I was stupid and naive, i started drinking and smoking and few month later i dropped out of college. I lived a lie for a long period of time. I was ashamed of myself, my mother was dissapointed with me.
I tried to get jobs, i found good ones but i could not keep them because i was just too lazy and still stupid and maybe i had not learnt my lessons yet. I was so confused, and i do not think i knew what i wanted in life. I was so empty and this went on for a long period of time. I was unstable in everything and i was there for long.
One and half years after i had had my daughter, i had a moment with myself. I reflected on my life and my choices, i remember at that moment i was tired of feeling the way i was, i just wanted a clean page to start allover again, i was so disappointed with myself and i knew i had to do something to change the course of my life. Although i did not know what exactly to do, i wanted a better life for me and my daughter, i wanted to get done with all generational curses and spirits. I did not want any of it transmitted to my daughter. I did not know how but one thing i knew is that for all this to happen i needed God. I needed to partner with God to become exactly who he intended me to be.
i knew god loves me and i knew he wants the best for me, so i gave up what i thoght i wanted for me and i asked him for his will to prevail.
i remember that night i cried my heart out in repentance as i surrendered all that i am to him, i needed healing, i needed love, i needed forgiveness and most important i needed a fresh start.
After that night i shifted my focus from me and i focused more on God, more on who he is and on what he can do, i developed a habit of spending time with him through reading and meditating on his word. I praised and worshipped him, and family, i saw God in every moment of my life. He was there fathering me, correcting me, loving me, revealing himself and hidden things to me. I saw God even in little things that i did not expect to see him in, indeed he is faithful, and he meant it when he said:
call unto me and i will show you great and hidden things that you do not knowJeremiah 33.3
draw near to God and he will draw near to you.James4.8
Months later, GOD answered my prayers by giving me a fresh start, and i found myself again in nursing school. Everything happened so fast, before i knew it i was in nursing school. I am grateful to God because he opened a door that requires me to partner with him every day to walk through it. what do i mean? I mean i cant do this alone, its really hard. It needs a lot of dedication and commitment, not forgetting that i am a mother and i live miles away from my daughter, so everyday is a struggle for me. But God has been faithful up to this moment.
Everyday God shows up for me, he renews my strength and even though i wake up to new challenges every morning, God sees me through it all. He uses the challenges to help me grow in a beautiful way. In a way that he has ordained me to, he also uses the challenges to help me realize how resilience i am in him. Just as i said in my previous blog :
through all this i realize i am nothing without God, but with God by myside i am everything beautiful, fearful and wonderful. As i always say everything God created is good and his intentions for us are good. But sometimes what we have gone through and how we have been raised and the environment that we have been raised in tries so hard to interfere with who God intended us to be. But when we partner with him he is able to turn things around, it does not matter how much damage the world has caused us. He is able to transform, heal and give us his peace. Even here where we are, where we thought/think nothing good can come out of it, he can still cause us to flourish HERE.
Good bye and God bless you, i pray you get inspired with my story, it does not matter where you are, what you have taken for granted, what you used to be, how old you are or how bad you have messed up. God can still use all that for your good, GOD CAN STILL GIVE YOU A FRESH START. You only have to choose him and give him a chance today. Remember no sin is too big for God to forgive. And there is nothing like late with him. He makes everything beautiful at his own time.